The Art of Being vs. Trying to Be: a two-year experiment review

I found an old blog post I had written in December 2022. It’s interesting—and a little disturbing—having a little window to who I used to be.

From the original lab notes, December 2022:

“Since my divorce, I have been reclaiming myself as artist, dancer, singer, writer, photographer – Creator Extraordinaire. It’s been wonderful. Dance was first… My first dance class was absolutely terrifying, but it was also amazing. I had forgotten how much I truly loved dancing. It became my therapy.”

Reading this now, it’s rather cringey. I was definitely desperately trying to convince somebody, probably myself, justifying what I was trying to be, and knowing that I wasn’t there. When I wrote it, I was still clearing out a lot of baggage around my relationship with my ex. Looking back, there was a LOT of baggage. But what’s super cool is that I’ve unpacked much of it and let it go. It’s difficult now to even really remember why I felt it so necessary to talk about it.

I suspect, looking back, that writing it all out may have been part of the process of releasing it. I feel lighter for it. I am a significantly different person now, two and a half years later, thankfully. I’m a  more confident and contented person, although I have lots of room to grow to be better than I am now.

It hit me, seeing this previous version of me, that this is an example of Trying to Be Something versus Just Being. Understanding that difference (I’m hoping) will lead to getting to the Being more efficiently in the future.

So what is the difference between Trying to Be Something and Just Being and why is it important?

In 2022, I was clearly trying to convince myself and anyone around me that I was an artist. There was a desperate air about the way I presented the idea. Actually, at the time, I remember thinking that I couldn’t justify saying I was an artist when I was only making crafty items. So I settled on “creator,” because in my mind that was more accurate and still artist-adjacent. I spent a lot of my time looking at other people’s work, skulking in forums, looking for art events to which I could pretend that I was considering applying for entry. (The business card above is from this time period – lol trying to be so many things…)

Then after being exposed to the various attitudes of the creators,  from “I’m a starving artist so please buy something—anything”; “it’s only art if it’s drawn from pain”; or the conceited “I’m above you because I am an Artiste,” I came to realize that many of these people were as desperate as I was to be considered an artist and to be important or impressive somehow. But the truth was that they were also just Trying to be an artist. That was a hollow prize and not ultimately what I  sought.

So I pivoted. I looked for other things, other ways to Be. I struggled with it. We often define ourselves through work and so I tried on different employment: retail clerk or supervisor, office admin, real estate agent, indie publisher, branding manager, marketing manager, hypnotherapist.

I finally came back to joy consulting which I had put aside while I figured myself out. I took the time to organize my ideas, my partially written books, posts, and outlines for courses. I did more research in neuroscience and behavior. I informally started helping people. I learned how to turn off the coaching with my boyfriend and friends when they just wanted to vent; create proper boundaries for myself and people I worked with; manage expectations for what others did with my advice. (Updated note – turns out I now teach human behavior concepts for individuals and businesses – so many changes lol)

I took the time to sit with myself, figure out what was important to Me.  I gained a  better understanding of myself and why I do things, what I value and prioritize,  In the process, I was able to release myself from the obligations that other people’s expectations might have created and cleared out a lot of the crap that was in my emotional closet.  I changed my inner narrative so that I am significantly kinder to myself.  And in learning how to regulate my monkey brain and nervous system. I am able to better weather the storms that in the past would have capsized me, emotionally and physically. 

What I found, much to my own surprise, was that in knowing myself better, I can just Be me. I don’t have to worry about what other people think because I know and understand why I make certain decisions. I can say no to things that  don’t align with my priorities and values much more easily because I know what they are. Ultimately, this has led to me being much more comfortable with myself and also with others. I don’t have to justify myself to anyone or explain who I am anymore. 

In fact, in a conversation with a friend the other day, I caught myself saying, “I’m not an artist–wait, I am! I’m making all kinds of art with logos and photography and other things!” And I meant it. And it felt really good. I’m not Trying To Be an artist anymore. I am one, without having to try or justify or prove to anyone else. (Look, I even painted a halfway decent autumnal scene – without numbers! Hahahaha)

I like who I am now. While there’s always room for improvement,  it’s definitely cool to see how far I’ve come. And looking forward to where I’ll end up.

I’m finally making friends with my emotional closet monsters, making conscious choices about who I want to be, and having a whale of a time doing it.

Awkwardly Onward! Rowr.