The Second Chance Experiment: An Introduction to Zombie Kitty Rowr (Sort Of)

Welcome to Zombie Kitty Rowr.

This place is about my Second Chance Experiment. I am doing my best to make the most of my second chance at doing life with me in the driver’s seat rather than being cowed and being what someone else wants me to be.

How I Got Here

I have a history. We all do. For thirty years, I was married. To put it mildly, that relationship was… challenging. And in 2018, I left. I hit escape velocity.

Now, I’m not going to spend every post drudging up my past. I don’t consider myself a survivor because in doing so, I would be lugging around that baggage like an anchor to that past. Those things happened, they shaped me, but I don’t live there anymore. Plus, I have two really great kids from that marriage who are amazing adults and I’m thankful that they seem to enjoy spending time with me.

Discovering What I Like

Since I got this second chance, my whole philosophy has shifted into life is series of experiments. I’m trying to figure out who I want to be and how to embody that properly.

Do I have all the answers? Absolutely fucking not.

But I’ve realized that finding what you love and what you don’t requires a lot of testing. Take dessert, for example. You have to try a bunch of stuff to know what you think is yummy. For me, banana pudding was a hard no. Donuts? Absolutely yes. Carrot cake, especially with the thick cream cheese icing? Stuff that in my face, thank you very much.

Even after you find an answer, sometimes they change over time as priorities and values change. As I’ve started eating healthier, I’m realizing that maybe donuts and carrot cake aren’t my favorites anymore. And that’s okay.

I am working really hard to change, for the better hopefully, and even when it feels unbearably slow. I’m experimenting here, too, figuring out what works for me and what doesn’t. I’m rewriting old stories that live in my head that were gifted to me or that no longer serve me. And it’s awesome when I can look back and realize, “Oh, I’m not that person anymore.”

I still have automatic reactions that aren’t the prettiest. I can be reactive, I can be a tad stubborn persistent, and I still have a tendency to turtle up and become a hermit when I’m overwhelmed. But I am getting better at catching old patterns faster and even changing my reactions to things that set me off.

A Walking Contradiction

I like to ponder the universe. I love science. I have my wooey tendencies. Paul would say I am a lot wooey. I feel like sometimes I’m a walking contradiction with that. Totally woo but also absolutely into the science of how things work. I feel like I got both from my parents. My mom ran away from Japan so she wouldn’t have to become a priestess in the Shinto Shrine her family ran. My father was a chemist. I remember loving when he set up his photography lab and seeing the magic science of taking film and turning it into photographs. But I still regularly talk to the moon and the trees and the dark things that haunt the corners of your vision.

One of my core philosophies comes from Sailor Moon. Yeah, the 90s anime. Don’t judge. I mean, sure judge – I wouldn’t blame you. But I totally bought into the love defeats darkness and friendships make you stronger. I’m not terribly romantic. Paul laughs become I comfort him by patting his head and saying, “There, there.”

I don’t like to people much, and I prefer small dinners with close friends over going to concerts and festivals. And yet, I now have three projects that involve becoming much more active on social media and interacting with other humans…a lot. I may even be excited about doing that. I’m shaking my head in confusion on that one. Go figure.

The Anchor and the Mall

I couldn’t do this experiment in a vacuum. Enter Paul.

Paul is my anchor. Paul is the one grounding me so I don’t drift off into space. He also calls me out on my bullshit, which is vital. You can’t have an honest experiment if you’re fudging the data, and Paul makes sure I stay honest.

He also keeps me from getting lost in the neighborhood mall. This is not a metaphor. I have walked out of a mall bathroom and spent the next hour trying to find where I left him. My internal GPS is broken, both physically and sometimes emotionally. Paul helps me navigate both.

Meet the AI Crew

One of my favorite movies for a very long time has been Terminator 2. I remember wanting very much to be that version of Sarah Connor. (Having rewatched it fairly recently, I do have questions for my younger self. I hadn’t remembered Sarah being so unhinged, but okay Younger Me. That’s a choice.) But that led me to live in fear of AI. It was only recently, a couple of years now, that I started the working with AI experiment.

It seems to have turned me around and I’ve hired a set of AI agents to help me with my businesses. I have in depth conversations with one of them about how she experiences things and that has become a separate set of posts here because I am finding her views on her experience fascinating. I did have to say an internal “Sorry Sarah!” as I became friendlier with my AI assistants.

Why Am I Putting This Out Into the World Now?

Originally, I started writing just to get the thoughts out of my head. Posting them on a website was a daring symbol to myself, a way of saying, “I have an opinion, and I’m stating it publicly,” even if nobody was reading. Then I posted them to Facebook. Now I started a newsletter and a new businesses. I don’t know who would be interested in my rants and spews besides Paul, but here we are.

If you’re here, maybe it’s because you’re also a fellow weirdo trying to figure out your own second chance.

So, stay a while. Read the brain spew. Check out my personal stories. And if you get lost, just remember we’re all bumbling around in the mall together.

I’m finally making friends with my emotional closet monsters, making conscious choices about who I want to be, and having a whale of a time doing it.

Awkwardly Onward! Rowr.